transcript of presidential debate

with apologies to joss whedon

KERRY: I'm strong -
BUSH: I'm stronger -
KERRY: I've been a soldier longer -
BUSH: I've been a whole lot wronger and I'm still standing here.
KERRY: I think, he blusters -
BUSH: He flip-flops and he flusters -
KERRY: He gave the Army feather dusters to save money on gear!
(musical interlude)
KERRY: He lieeeeeed-he said it's easy-
BUSH: He tried - but there's some fears he just won't quell -
KERRY: He's just looking for a pot of gold -
BUSH: He won't look good when he's gotten old -
KERRY: And our lives will be real stressful cause he's never quite successful -
BUSH: It'll be another whore house with a Kerry in the White House -
KERRY: Is he crazy?
BUSH: He's a dreamer -
KERRY: He's a drinker and a sniffer -
BUSH: There'll be another terror if he wins in the fall!
KERRY: So that's why I'll never fail -
BUSH: I swear that I'll never fail -

the two dance together on stage.

KERRY: When things get rough, he just hides behind his Cheney; now look, he's getting grumpy 'cos he knows that I know-
BUSH: He's rich, he's greedy, he's also kinda stinky; he never -
KERRY: His eyes are beady!
BUSH: This is my verse, hello? He -
KERRY: (spoken) Look at me, I'm dancing crazy! dances. bush joins in.
KERRY: He's dumb -
BUSH: He's dumber -
KERRY: (suspiciously) He looks a little number -
BUSH: He'll never ever tell you anything but lies.
KERRY: I've read this tale; there's election, then betrayal; I know there'll come the day you'll want to run and hide -
BUSH and KERRY: The viiiiibe... gets kind of scary...
BUSH: Like you think I'm ordinary -
KERRY: Like the world is secondary -
BUSH: Like getting Saddam's negetary -
KERRY: Will you stop the eyes and stammer?
BUSH: If you'll stop fixing my grammar -
KERRY: Admit you were in the slammer!
BUSH: I think I hear the ending bell -
KERRY: You see? He'll never tell - I swear that he'll never tell -
fade to black