Wednesday, September 22, 2004

whoa



im stepping out of my usual political shit to speak straight from the source to your eyes, girls and boys. things have been kind of nuts for me lately. yeah, inside and outside and all the other sides. im in love, im looking for a home, im looking for a real job. i have a lot of stress and pressure from all sides, especially inside. you know what, when you're 25 nothing ever comes fast enough, and when it doesn't you have a tendency to blame yourself. such is life.

we're deaf people in a really fucked up city. one of the most "kultyyyyyural" places in the world, yeah, and one of the most prejudiced. try being a deaf person calling about a job. trust me, nothing more depressing than having a relay person tell you "they said they don't take calls from deaf people and hung up." assholes. they even turn you down secondhand. and yet we have shit like the deaf awareness festival which brings hundreds of deafies together and advertises how wonderful we are.

does anyone think it's kind of funny that on deaf awareness week all deaf people want to do is be with each other? funny funny and funny nice, but not funny peculiar (eh defbef?)

tonight i had this voice in my head. it was a really dark voice. it said my education was wasted. it said i was a failure and probably would always be so. it said the universe was against me. it was the kind of voice that builds walls around you in your head and mesmerises you so carefully you never notice youre being bricked in until it's too late to do anything but scream. and yeah, a lot of this voice comes from being here, in a world that does not care for fairness, as a deaf person. but you know what? i told the voice it was an idiot. i said nobody was a failure at 25. i said their (meaning hearing peoples') criteria for success were just that - theirs. hell, it's not that unusual. it's the same thing artists and gay people and black people have seen. and other deaf people too. but this time it kind of took.

and maybe love has a little to do with that. and maybe not. sure, this is the real world. what of it? im real, too. and i know how to use a shovel, and really, in the end, you wake up, you go outside, and you step into this rich texture of the world, and it feels like everything is singing to you, just waiting softly for you to join in, and i'm supposed to listen to a damned voice telling me how much of a failure i am?

so: deaf awareness week. not for failures. that's my awareness. that's my week.

2 comments:

merfz in da h00d said...

get haloscan. and yeah, funny funny and funny nice, but not at all funny peculiar. you're not a failure, either. in fact, you're the paludal, primordial orb i drew onto john.

DaleyUK said...

Failure : What an interesting concept FAILURE is, I quote from your posting
“tonight i had this voice in my head,…. it said I was a failure and probably would always be so”
I have often felt this feeling, I am useless I am a failure.
Recently however I have returned to education as a mature (Some would say very) student, part of my studies includes psychology and sociology, now I have only just started to scrape the surface, but one of the fundamental points that comes out of these subjects is “Labels” who quantifies them? We judge ourselves by standards set by other people, FAILURE is such a label. Who defines what a failure is, in its most basic format a failure is to not achieve a goal or preset standard.
When we say we are a failure we are by definition saying we have not meet a standard. What we rarely ask is who set the standard that I am judging myself by, do *I* values that person, group or society’s opinion enough to punish myself for not meeting their standard.
I ask you to revisit what you said in this article and think about this, I ask you to think about the standards you judge yourself by, and to stop and set *your own* standards.
What makes a success?
A good job, an expensive car, a huge apartment, 3 holidays a year in Europe ?
Are you that shallow a person, these things are nice but I would say are not good things to judge yourself by.
What would you say is good things to judge yourself by, a group of devoted friends, the ability to help others, giving things back to your friends, having people you can count on, being able to feel love?
Personally I think these are much better yard sticks to use as measurements, you say in your article that you have found love, do you think that if you are capable of feeling such a huge and all encompassing feeling, and that presumably someone feels this back for you, and you are still a failure….. THINK ON !