Sunday, March 13, 2005

so i got a new job....

and in some ways it looks... oddly like being back in school. but in retrospect that has a lot to do with me being stimulated. told my roomie ck tonight that it feels like i haven't been stimulated in months. unrealized potential, inappropriate placement or just a damn boring job? i don't know. but the fact is that for right now i feel like i'm back on again. you can call it the Path of the Beam or Karma or Fate, but the dice are shakin' in my head again.

i guess all deaf people go through this period of life. it's part of being a deaf person. who said that you can try as hard as you like to keep the negativity out of your head, but it's so universal, some of it is guaranteed to get through anyway? the fact is you can be as educated, can speak as well, can do as good a job as you like - there's always going to be those negative messages. the trick to dealing with it, i think, is to realize that your life is not you. your environment is not you. the people around you are not you. they can be part of your life and their perspectives can be important to you - but they should not determine your self-esteem. and i was letting myself do just that, consciously or unconsciously as it were. or maybe i saw the tip of the iceberg in my consciousness, but pushing on it only made more of the iceberg be underwater. and what was that iceberg? depression, or specifically depression borne from fear that i am myself inferior. that i deserve the shit i get. that maybe, just maybe, being deaf is going to limit me for the rest of my life, no matter how hard i try. or worse: that the fault is in me, some kind of mistake, or personality flaw i wont be able to fix.

then something good like this happens and i realize a lot of my problem is external, and that when i took action to change it and succeeded i resolved it. but i was lucky. if the depression had been any greater i might not have been able to muster the energy to do it. depression, the great iceberg in front of you that you can't see because it's always been there... or wait, wasn't that an elephant?

whatever :) i'm happy right now, and learning, and trying to figure out ways to learn more - and seeing pathways into a future. hey, with all the environmental shit happening, might not be much of a future, but either way, i'll be prepared for it.

smooches to ridor and his poor knee.


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