Monday, December 20, 2004

no, i'm not positive

This is kind of a bad blog for me to write. and i hate writing it. but gonna get something off my chest.

I had pneumonia. after that i had segmental atelectasis, which is a common result of pneumonia. Part of my lung was blocked off by *yucky* snot. because i wasn't given treatment for it, it expanded my time sick by a month or so. Afterwards, people would ask me how i was doing. and they all had this same look in their face. Eventually I realized what the look was, because some finally asked the question: am I HIV+? did i get pneumonia because I was HIV+? and the answer is: no, i got it from someone else at work. I'm not positive. and i don't like the automatic assumption that because I'm gay and got sick, I've got HIV. I got the disease from a straight woman, and I'm pretty sure nobody's giving her looks of pity.

What bothers me about this is I support and care for many people with HIV. I don't like being made to deny having HIV as if it's some sort of crime or stigma. But it is, in the deaf community and elsewhere. I feel guilty because by denying it, I feel like I participate in the stigmatization of people with HIV. But if I don't deny it, I support the stereotype that if a gay man gets sick, he automatically has HIV. I'm fucked one way or the other.

But for the record, I'm healthy. Right now I'm struggling with people in my office giving me looks and NOT asking me the question, so I have no appropriate place to say anything about it. I just have to deal with this cloudy assumption in the air. Which sucks.


Ridor said...

u're just fine. u're just same ole joe santini that we all love and hate at times. ;-)

and when will u return the link to my blog, damn it.


Anonymous said...

REally? Honestly, It didn't even CROSS my mind that it could be HIV.

Sigh. People!